That sums about what is on my mind whenever I think about what has happened in the last three months. Good outweighs the bad but the bad is impossible to put aside.
My facts right now, I don’t like it but I have to deal with it.
1st event: I’m not gonna discuss it. It’s too.. pitiful? So, no. It’s a desperate cry for help and to be honest, I don’t really care. I just wanna live normally. (I needed to type that for my sake)
2nd event is what keeps me up at night, frustrated.
There are so many times I wanted to go back here and just type my heart out but never found the “perfect time”. You know, when I’m upset, no one to talk to, thinking, decisions in life, doubts in different relationships, family happiness, sickness, etc. But nothing, I never wrote anything. Stupid me, because there never is a “perfect time”. I realized this when I saw myself opening up my open book diary that my heart just decides to pour out its own through my fingers at 4 am in the morning.
Out of all reason, it’s you.
Man, as I type my words out… you don’t know how frustrated I am with you and.. scared. There are so many emotions running through my veins communicating with every nerve ending I have to make my heart and mind disagree with one another as much as they can.
You became my best friend like how I met my (long and short lived) best friends too- in time of need. You needed me first. The rest just happened.
My mom always tell me that I have a heart to help because I have a strong desire to be needed. I like to build people up but once their built and ready to sail and I feel like they do not need me anymore, I leave them before they can even leave me. She told me this because she has noticed this with a handful of the friendships I have gone through. I went through many emotions when she said that. I was angry at her for telling me basically that I use people as projects. Then I was sad because maybe it was true and maybe that’s why the only people who have stayed are people who I need and still needs me. But in the end, well, I realized I have am no different to anybody who resides on earth.. this is everyone’s agenda.. My mom was just brave enough to just boldly direct it to me because well, I do it a lot. I do. I like building people up.. you know, making them feel invincible, pretty, confident. I like to give them “legs” to walk around, not being afraid of being emotionally naked in front of everybody and when they gained their crowds and I feel like I will not be in the primary circle, I leave.. Why? Simple.. because it hurts. That’s it. I’m selfish but I’ve been selfless enough for most of my life to deserve to act as I will.
But you. UGH. I didn’t end up wanting to need you.
But I did and that’s why I’m stupidly writing here. This is the most raw thing I have ever written with no poetic flairs tied. This is me typing, mad, angry, frustrated and I DONT KNOW.
Coach, let me make this clear. I do not like you. I have gut feeling you like me, not deep like but just curiosity or desire to get to know me deeper but you’re afraid what that might lead up to. I know you know I, too, am afraid to be closer.
We got closer because of that stupid fucking girl who hurt you and made you cry and drink shots after shots that you don’t know your way home. I do not like her. But I am still the only person who supports your decision to keep the “maybe chance” to be alive because I am a believer of loyalty, hard work and true love. A month passed after th last talk you had with her and you were doing okay. You have occasional drawbacks but I said they were normal. Then you vacationed to my dream country for two weeks and when you came back, you said you want to try it again with her because the good outweighs the bad. What the fuck.
COACH! You’re being stupid now! SHE IS NOT WORTH YOUR HEART. not your genuine, loving heart….. You are way too good for her… You deserve to be treated like a king because only guys like you know how to treat woman with respect and pride. This is why I hate girls sometimes and stick to guy friends. (do not try to pull sexist on me). You were her flavor of the month and she was so good of convincing you what she felt was real that you fell in love. Love.. I am the most romantic girl you can meet on earth but this time you got the short end of the stick and it fucked you in the ass. It is not her and it is time to move on. But maybe it was the Spanish air that got to you and made you feel the love vibe and brought it back here in UNITED STATES. But guess what? We still have a legal drinking age of 21, we have Barack as a president and our language is confusing and not romantic. So wake the fuck up.
I wish I had a twin. Because if she was exactly like me, I know how I would show you what you deserve. I know exactly how I would make you happy and show you what kind of man you are. I would make you feel handsome and smart. I would show you how rational and spontaneous you can be. I will show you things you thought you could not do. I told my mom this and she said that it’s my bad trait but I am very capable of doing it. She said this is the reason most of my ex boyfriends are still hanging and calling me on my birthdays because I have shown them what love is.. She said it’s beautiful until I realize that I need someone to show me the same amount I was expressing and it is not from them I can get it from. Now, they are left hoping because I, too, gave them that specific characteristic. Hope that makes you patient and makes you hang and always have that thought of maybe… ugh, stupid me.
I am good at this and this is why I do not want to be close to you and treat you fully like the best friend you have become to me because I do not want to do this to you. We did not meet by fate but we met by chance and that chance was created by my boyfriend, which is also your best friend. I am a secondary friend here so I do not have the full power to tell you these things to you. I have no power over anything. You can drop me anytime. You can stop talking to me or pull away the trust you gave to me in the first place.. because I am only a secondary friend. THIS IS WHY I AM SHOUTING AT YOU IN MY DIARY. I can’t do it in real life. Also, I am afraid to lose you-if I haven’t already.
When you came back from Spain, it felt different. Like I am not getting texts from you constantly.. like you stopped being my annoyingly amazing text partner. Then I saw you might be close to one your another bestfriend’s girlfriend.. I got so mad I logged on here and started typing. I mean, I get the whole bestfriends or boys first. Fine, you know them longer and that’s the only reason I am in the group is because I am dating one of them.. but another girlfriend? uhm, no. I had you first. I feel like a child saying that but I have no problem admitting that as an adult.. I want to say, no you’re mine and I do not act nice with sharing friends. I wanted to ask you, so you found a better person to talk to? or a person who will tolerate your pursuing that bitch girl you wrongly fell in love with? is that why you don’t text that often anymore?
But I don’t know what I would do if you said yes… Like..I don’t know.. Coach, you’re the first person I talked to about my situation when I found out. You were the first person to know because through the months we have been talking, you were the only person who makes me smile no matter what and sends me videos to inspire me and make me hopeful. I felt special and I wanted to be the only one.
So now this is the big tie. This is probably why I guess leave people before I start needing them more than they need me because I don’t want to feel these complex emotions. Coach, I do not like you but I feel strong feelings for you more than a friend? maybe like a brother and less than a lover.. I am still trying to figure this out because I love my boyfriend wholeheartedly and I have not thought of us being truly compatible quite frankly. I think I just want to make you happy but what is that? UGH. Truthfully, I was okay needing you.. the thought of sharing you just hadn’t occurred and I did not like the fact that there was a possibility. EVER. What was I thinking?
I don’t even know what I’m talking about now.
I’m not making sense. But that’s okay.
Diaries are not meant to be understood. It just serves as a pail for havoc emotions.
UGH. coach.. why? Sighs.