*long post but i think it’s worth a read for those who were with me last year*
Even though I have not been here for awhile, I still have comfort of spilling all my thoughts here in this place. Fluffing words is never a necessity because the need of someone reading your post is nonexistent for the mere goal is to let them out.
Life had been different since summer of 2013 started. It was like a switch. It was self search all over again. It felt like it was a time for me to rebuilt myself since all of the downfall that happened the semester before. It was a self reflection of who I really am and who I have been trying to be. That summer was memorable not for the memories but because as soon as it ended, I was brimming with pride about how far I have come. I have proved to my parents that they do not control me. I have found myself again.
Of course, with change, it is not always happy ending in all aspects. When I was trying to figure out the fine line of who I am and who is the person my friends have come to know, I have hurt many. I am so sorry to everyone for I have fooled all of you. I did not even know I wasn’t showing who I am for I have lost the person I am on the way. I badly wanted to be accepted in the crowd because I got lucky with very cool set of friends. But I was never that cool. I love school way too much. I enjoy NOT going out. I liked laying on my bed and reading, things like that. I never really liked drinking or smoking. Don’t get me wrong, it was really fun and I am thankful for those time because those were the best memories I had ever made my whole college years. Those are the times I will boasts to my kids when it’s their time in college. But it ended pretty quickly for me as soon as my sophomore year started. But I never had the courage to tell anybody. I still wanted to be a part of that crowd. And for some reason, whenever I don’t go out, I miss out on so much, I feel like I starting to not be a part of the group anymore. So I try, I try, I try. I try to do more of everything but, you guessed it, it was never meant to be.The whole time during this, everybody is changing while I was trying to keep everything the same. My mind is exploding with frustration. Until I broke and almost and very close to losing the best friendship I had ever had.
I knew I was on the wrong now. I knew I am hurting people now. But I still did not get why. Until Summer of 2013. As I contemplated all of this on the side of MLK library, it hit me. Love for people is not possession but admiration. Just because I love them, I need to have them ALL the time. That is why I craved their attention when I felt a little moment when I am losing it. Love is letting them grow. I smiled because that’s when I finally said, I get it now.
So after last year, I am just drained with everything, even trying to please people. I am now ready to show me. I actually like being quiet. I keep most of my thoughts to myself and just work on what I love the most: my education. My focus is unbeatable. But I knew all of that will come to a price. I have lost friends on the way. I just felt.. different. Not above, not below.. Just different. I want to belong but not attached. I don’t want anyone bringing up the past or anything that has to do with the past so maybe that is why I slowly disconnected myself to everyone. It’s wrong, I know. No need to scold me. But I need to do this for myself. I want to be surrounded with people who enjoy work and school as much as I do. I want to be with people who have high dreams AND working to get them.
So August 2013 was a blank canvas for me, a new start. I started it right and I have all the intentions in ending it right. I am truly sorry for the people I have hurt in the process but know that inside me really wants to apologize in person but never have the courage to do it so. But know that I am proud of everything that each and one of you have accomplished so far and I will be here to push you through the end if you need me to. Everything takes time and whenever things get hard, just remember that no real prize comes that quick and easy.
This is my confession. I represent all the hidden nerds out there who had a hard time blending in. If you have never been in this position, you will never understand the pain and confusion. There was only one person who have seen all sides of me and until now, even if we don’t talk all the time, she will always be my poop and best friend. No one will ever touch me like she did and without her leaving me at the right time, I would have never reached this status of me now. So, thank you. :)
So there you go :)
..Yet again, a year has passed. It is interesting to see where people are now in comparison to where they started. The decisions they took, the path they embarked, it is quite remarkable to see where they end up and the people they have become. If one actually pays attention, you will see the metamorphosis of each person and the sight can be either painful to grasp or purely be unremarkably beautiful… and on unique instances, both. You will see the relationships that expanded and faded, the people that developed into the people they were afraid to become, the successes of the hardworking ones, the regrets and promises that caused tidal waves of tears and the nights full of incomplete details yet stays as the irreplaceable ones. And when actually relationships start to deepen, people grow more courageous and situations start to calm after a storm, it was done.
I have not quite figure out yet whether I am satisfied of how this is all going to end. Though I am aware that this is not THE ending, from experience, I have slowly embraced and come to be knowledgeable that change is constant. Is it safe to leave loose strings hanging and questions unrequited? Will it come to haunt us in the end? Or the magic of change will come to rescue and slowly erase the memories of the painful past? It will be different for each one of us and nothing is certain. However, I know that it will again be one hell of a year whether it will be with the same people or new not. Those who stayed are the only people that matters in the end. We are young and reckless with one immense future ahead of us. There are so many things to do, to regret, to cherish, and to embrace and that is the best part. Life keeps going and constantly altering. I was not very fond of change but after having the preeminent change in my life precipitously occurred, I was left breathless and I knew right then that he could not have come in a better timing for I am once again, in love.
He made me feel alive when I was in the middle of deciding what my worth was. This boy caught my heart slowly with the full intent of making me genuinely happy. He made me want to embrace life in the fullest extent and desire to be a better person, not for him but, for myself. He pushed me to raise my hands up and reach farther than the stars for he believed in every inch of me. The passion in his eyes for his own reveries and his love for me motivates me to stretch my talents for the benefits of others. He is everything I ever wished for and now that he is in front of me, I cannot imagine living 84 days without his touch and every single thing of him. As I sit next to him, silently writing this and observing every crevasse of seriousness in his face, I find it hard to hold my tears and to accept that in a few days we can no longer share these simple moments. For the every day I spend with him has been nothing but flawless and inimitable, I just want to hug him tight at this moment, kiss every space of him and not let go because I know that time will force us to separate. He gives me a reason to breathe while also leaving me breathless, every day. The thought of forced discrete makes my lungs tight and my eyes heavy with waves of tears and I know that at that moment will be the first time he will leave me breathless and I will never be thankful for it and my heart will break into pieces.
Yea, I guess I am in love. And I am in love with the best man I could ever think of. I will miss you for you are the half of me that completes me, makes me better and honestly blissful. I love you.